how are you really doing; a short journal entry

not good, terrible. i think i’m tired of saying i’m good. maybe i’m too good at masking and distracting. maybe i struggle to spend time alone because my mind seems to have 100 things on it at the same time and being in another’s presence takes it all away. maybe i’m addicted to another human’s presence. i keep thinking back to that one 


day where i just wanted to feel someone’s presence. that’s probably how i ended up calling redacted while he played his game. sometimes i crave connection, or maybe lot of the times and i am unable to say it. i’m scared of needing people. and i fucking hate it. i’m expressive as fuck (i think) but i’m also so so fucking scared of laying it out there. that maybe i’m not happy or high energies as i portray myself to be.

9 apr…. night. i remember i had a hell of a day, and there i was at 1am still wanting to be in someone’s presence. something about talking to new people all day, i remember the mental stress i had. i had a 2359 group report due for stats. then i still had more shit due it was fucking terrible really. the day before that i was preparing to meet my advisor with my friend at coffee bean. god it was a crazy and awfully packed week.


there is something about just sitting in the comfort of someone’s presence after an incredibly tiring day. it releases something me. idk what it is.

often i can’t help but think what if majority of my life wasn’t in someone else’s company. life feels too daunting and too tiring for me to bear it alone. i like feeling having someone with me, even it they may not share my load, comforts me like a heavy weighted blanket.


choked up on emotions, getting called out always feels like a splash of cold water that i need.

ACCOUNTABILITY, it seems like a repeating word i can throwing at myself. it’s like playing squash, i keep struggling with fighTing the fucking ball and it just comes back to hit me like a bitch each time harder and harder. i thought ricochet hits got softer with time, why does this one seem to hit harder each time?


friend vs acquaintance – that seemed to really sting. i do enjoy making friends yes and many of them seem to still in the budding process. maybe 23 years of building friendships have not taught me enough. my friends encourage me when it comes to the gym life, diet wise – they love to say cheat day bc they know i love food.


but i know i’m the issue. i make excuses for myself repeatedly. im tired – who isn’t. 


why can’t i show up for myself? show up to something i want to work on – for myself? i can’t seem to fucking take accountability and be stricter on myself. it’s a pattern i need to break.


ok so i threw out my emotions at auntie that seems to be a recurring pattern lol shit me. it happens especially when i had a shitty day and looking for food. if i’m extra unhappy i nag about something food related at home. why does everything seem to circle back to food hahaha

also i fucking hate being measured. in all sense of the word. weight. yuck. grades. yuck. maybe the only one i like is how much i lift. cuz it’s something i put work in and something i struggled in and got better at. being bad at things is hard.

i keep measuring myself to standards of the world when i know full well is corporate 9-5 is not for me. idk what my purpose is but it’s sure as hell NOT in the corporate sector. maybe somewhere in the sustainability of social sector. mayhaps. the future has much in store for me. for us.

i’m also terribly bad at voicing out my needs. fuck

19 yo me

[12 June 2022]

One thing that has changed drastically is my weight, I currently weigh 85kg, and I’m about to embark on my actual fitness journey to lose weight and gain back my fitness level I had 3 years ago.

It’s been almost 2 years since my last post and I just finished reading through all my previous blog posts. I feel like I’m a different person now and that’s a good sign. I feel like I’ve grown up now. I don’t struggle with eating out or going around alone. I feel comfortable in my own skin to some extent. One thing that hasn’t changed is my thoughts though, somehow everyday I have many things I want to say that ends up dumped on twitter.

ahhh 2020…

Imagine looking back to this year and reminiscing the many moments we complained about COVID, being stuck at home, and our plans being ruined. Despite the many negatives, I personally feel that in this quick almost 7 months, I have learnt a lot. Maybe it’s something about being 16 and trying my best in this world, but I cannot quite describe how I feel. Maybe it’s my perception of life, maybe it’s genuinely how I feel but I can’t help but feel slightly happy that COVID is a thing. If I went to school per normal, I think I would have been a loner. Not saying that being a loner is “pathethic”, just that I tend to struggle with loneliness and it gets to me. As someone who doesn’t have many friends that I keep in contact with on a regular basis, it gets me some times.

I want to use this platform to open up about myself, get comfortable for being myself and just letting out certain emotions I don’t want to speak about. I tend to think more typing here, and I actually like my words, they are kind of beautiful.

Over this period of staying home a new school online, I have made new friends. Friends that I surprisingly get along with for the most part. Definitely, there have been some disagreement in opinions, but otherwise we all are pretty comfortable and open with one another.

I find this part of my life beautiful, I want to record what happens and be able to look back. I am so grateful for what I have despite being slightly uncontent sometimes, and I wish I got to be with my friends more. This quarantine life has made me discover the quickness of life and it is so scarily real.

This blog post does not have much conclusion, just a dump of all the emotions I’ve been feeling.

-Anon

Insecurities

For those of you who don’t know, I’m currently about 1.6m tall and like 74Kg heavy which is way overweight. I’ve gained so much weight this year and I have no idea why this is so.

As a child, I was already pretty chubby, so at home I’ve been called “肥美” since young which translates to “fat younger sister”. I’m the youngest of 3, and I’m fat, hence the name. Over the years, I believe that I have went past the stage of whatever insecurities but it’s been of late that I’ve kind of struggled with it a bit.

As you can see by my blog name, I would say that I’m a tom boy. But I cannot deny that there is a side of me that would still like to dress pretty and that is extremely difficult as a really broad and “plus sized” girl. Imagine going into stores, seeing so many pretty dresses but knowing they would look bad on you because they hug and show all your chub. Imagine feeling so uncomfortable in your own skin. I know almost everybody on earth has their insecurities, even the most beautiful ones.

I guess I just wanted to talk about this topic because I actually realised a few years back that I’ve learnt to see beauty in others as well as myself. I’m not being narcissistic but it’s just that I’ve learned – to find my favourite parts of me and appreciated it as it defines me. In many others, sometimes as a whole, others face may be sort of “unattractive” but I see beauty in their features. It’s when you take a closer look then you will see someone’s beauty. I’ve learned to see that my sister’s eyes are beautiful and that she is pretty in her own way. Some people’s laughter are really pleasant and some’s humour are what really defines them. This is something that amazes me because as any other human, I look at the outward appearance first. As much as we are told not to judge by the outward appearance, I’ve learned that the appearance does matter as it affects one’s first impression.

To end this, my fabourite part of me is my smile and my personality. ☺️

P.S sorry for super long hiatus but I don’t know, just did not feel like blogging anything.

let me talk about me.. just a bit

Hey, long time no see, stranger. Life has been peachy, with school and it’s homework taking up most of my time.

I just wanted to share about how I went to the playground near my house as I was on my way home. With my earphones already plugged in, I decided to visit the park that consisted a lot of my childhood memories just to relax and enjoy some music.

I spent about twenty to thirty minutes there, sitting on the swing, and lying down on the slide. I was reminiscing whatever old memories I created there. The various people I became friends with who I don’t see anymore, as well as the rare times I got to play frisbee with my brother.

After the whole experience, I was just thinking about how I wanted to do this every single day, listening to about five songs just sitting at the playground, soaking up the sun and enjoying the sight of many tall trees above me, with the sun hiding behind them.

– Anon

Anxiety.

Everybody experiences anxiety to a certain extent. Some are obvious about it, some can handle it so well that are deemed as confident or egoistical. But “I’m only human after all”which means all of us humans are flawed. Even the strongest fighter would have a weakness which is usually an old injury, or even an egoistical male being insecure about abandonment issues because of his family experiences. We are told not to judge, but can anybody say they do not judge? I would say most anxiety comes from worrying about what others are thinking of you. Your brain is bombarded with a load of thoughts like “I think I’m showing too much skin”, “they are thinking that I look ugly in my favourite sweater”, “what is…”, etc.

Today, I will be sharing something personal and frankly speaking, I was anxious just thinking about typing this out and publishing it. The internet is a scary place where your random post/blog/video can suddenly become viral, and your name suddenly becomes the talk of the town. I already planned on staying anonymous, and those that do know that I own this blog are trusted. Therefore, I shall step out of my comfort zone and just share my personal thoughts and struggles. You may be thinking, “you’re a 15 year old, what do you even know about such a brooding topic?” Well in response to your possible doubts toward this blog of mine, I am a teenager. I have not experienced as much as you adults but I have gone through my own set of struggles and “emo” thoughts.

In general, I am one that worries for tests and examination quite last minute, but I have the most shocking as well as seemingly impossible anxieties if I do say so myself. Firstly, I have yet to introduce my personality and character. I would say to many others, I look like a girl who just cannot stop both sides of her mouth from lifting up and her eyes from crinkling together. In this aspect, I totally agree, I am happy most of the times and I just smile to express myself so if you see a plastered smile, you would know something is very wrong. I also seem like a very relaxed person,happy-go lucky type who has no worries and maybe live in a somewhat perfect world. But what most people do not know about is the bombarding thoughts that enter my head once I start considering something.

One experience was of my family members and I going to a spectacle shop for my grandmother to get a new pair of glasses. I wanted to test my eyes as I felt that my eyesight was deteriorating and I spent close to 10 minutes just to have an argument inside my own head about going to approach the staff and ask if I could check my eyes. In the end, my father was the one who asked on my behalf and I started resenting myself for all the conflicting thoughts that always controlled me. You see how embarrassing this is for a 15 year old? I certainly wish that I do not be like that for the rest of my life.

Another one is more recent and this is more related to me just stressing about my future and my horrendously flat foot. I am in an netball Co-Curricular Activity (CCA) and the intensity is about 3 trainings a week. I struggle with my weight and fitness as well because of my appetite and size. I have been gaining quite a lot of weight and never growing vertically so this logically makes me look even chubbier. Like I just shared, I do have flat foot and I feel that it has been giving me problems on my right foot along with my right ankle. I do not know whether I am being paranoid and overthinking about the pain they both cause me, but I do not have a good gut feeling about this. I was even thinking about dieting and exercising intensely to get rid of my excess weight and this never happens. I love good food and I am one that hardly says no to food so this is pretty shocking for myself too. My father says that my pain may be caused by my heavy weight and that was what made me start thinking about my own figure. Growing up, I never got to be skinny so I was chubby and curvy since young.

Now you see why I want to share about this? I am trying to kind of vent some frustration as well as share and let adults know that teenagers also go through things and if your child screams at you by accident or something, try thinking about what he/she could be going through. So the point is: Do not be so quick to judge. Most people do things for a reason and that should be respected before you jump into your own conclusions.

P.s. Sorry for posting so late but your girl has school and they love giving us nature – mountainous piles of homework. 😕

love,

💛 anonymous

Hi.

Hello. So this is my first time blogging and to be brutally honest, I’m just feeling a whole bunch of butterflies in my stomach. I still remember the feeling I got when I had the idea of starting a blog or some sort of social media account like maybe using Instagram or even WordPress.

Well, by now you would have known what I chose to use or even if I carried out my crazy idea. Maybe this will flop and end up with no one liking the blog, but it also could end up being a huge or minor success. Like they say, “You won’t know if you never even try.” So hopefully, I gave it a shot.

Today, what you’ll be reading wouldn’t be much. As I said, this is my first blog hence this will probably just be an introduction as to why I chose to set up a blog and what exactly I am hoping to achieve.

As much as I hope to have an amazing inspiration for this idea, I sadly cannot as these thoughts just came to me like a lightbulb that just flicked on 💡 .

Regarding my purpose of this blog, I just feel that maybe this will be a good experience for me as well as it’s something I would like to try for a while. Please please please, I am not doing this for the sake of earning money or getting anything in return but solely for my curiosity as well as my want to try something new.

Above is what I typed out before even setting up this WordPress blog. I have never done this and I’m doing this as an interest, just going with my gut feel. Now to my actual first blog introduction, I am tomboy. A weird mix of tomboy and kind of girly at the same time. I wear dresses from time to time, enjoy styling my hair to a certain extent but i would not go as far as to wear makeup or dress to the nines. Pardon my english as I share my views and thoughts, english IS my first language but I’m not exactly familiar with good grammar. I definitely do try to minimise any grammatical errors, but I cannot guarantee all my blogging would be mistake-free. If they were, I would not be me. 😝

sincerely,

anon 💛