Anxiety.

Everybody experiences anxiety to a certain extent. Some are obvious about it, some can handle it so well that are deemed as confident or egoistical. But “I’m only human after all”which means all of us humans are flawed. Even the strongest fighter would have a weakness which is usually an old injury, or even an egoistical male being insecure about abandonment issues because of his family experiences. We are told not to judge, but can anybody say they do not judge? I would say most anxiety comes from worrying about what others are thinking of you. Your brain is bombarded with a load of thoughts like “I think I’m showing too much skin”, “they are thinking that I look ugly in my favourite sweater”, “what is…”, etc.

Today, I will be sharing something personal and frankly speaking, I was anxious just thinking about typing this out and publishing it. The internet is a scary place where your random post/blog/video can suddenly become viral, and your name suddenly becomes the talk of the town. I already planned on staying anonymous, and those that do know that I own this blog are trusted. Therefore, I shall step out of my comfort zone and just share my personal thoughts and struggles. You may be thinking, “you’re a 15 year old, what do you even know about such a brooding topic?” Well in response to your possible doubts toward this blog of mine, I am a teenager. I have not experienced as much as you adults but I have gone through my own set of struggles and “emo” thoughts.

In general, I am one that worries for tests and examination quite last minute, but I have the most shocking as well as seemingly impossible anxieties if I do say so myself. Firstly, I have yet to introduce my personality and character. I would say to many others, I look like a girl who just cannot stop both sides of her mouth from lifting up and her eyes from crinkling together. In this aspect, I totally agree, I am happy most of the times and I just smile to express myself so if you see a plastered smile, you would know something is very wrong. I also seem like a very relaxed person,happy-go lucky type who has no worries and maybe live in a somewhat perfect world. But what most people do not know about is the bombarding thoughts that enter my head once I start considering something.

One experience was of my family members and I going to a spectacle shop for my grandmother to get a new pair of glasses. I wanted to test my eyes as I felt that my eyesight was deteriorating and I spent close to 10 minutes just to have an argument inside my own head about going to approach the staff and ask if I could check my eyes. In the end, my father was the one who asked on my behalf and I started resenting myself for all the conflicting thoughts that always controlled me. You see how embarrassing this is for a 15 year old? I certainly wish that I do not be like that for the rest of my life.

Another one is more recent and this is more related to me just stressing about my future and my horrendously flat foot. I am in an netball Co-Curricular Activity (CCA) and the intensity is about 3 trainings a week. I struggle with my weight and fitness as well because of my appetite and size. I have been gaining quite a lot of weight and never growing vertically so this logically makes me look even chubbier. Like I just shared, I do have flat foot and I feel that it has been giving me problems on my right foot along with my right ankle. I do not know whether I am being paranoid and overthinking about the pain they both cause me, but I do not have a good gut feeling about this. I was even thinking about dieting and exercising intensely to get rid of my excess weight and this never happens. I love good food and I am one that hardly says no to food so this is pretty shocking for myself too. My father says that my pain may be caused by my heavy weight and that was what made me start thinking about my own figure. Growing up, I never got to be skinny so I was chubby and curvy since young.

Now you see why I want to share about this? I am trying to kind of vent some frustration as well as share and let adults know that teenagers also go through things and if your child screams at you by accident or something, try thinking about what he/she could be going through. So the point is: Do not be so quick to judge. Most people do things for a reason and that should be respected before you jump into your own confessions.

P.s. Sorry for posting so late but your girl has school and they love giving us nature – mountainous piles of homework. 😕

love,

💛 anonymous

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